I’m not saying I order from Amazon a lot, but I just received a wedding invitation from my delivery guy…
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-Morse code.
Man: “Excuse me. Can you tell me the quickest way to the next town?”
Me: “Are you driving or walking?”
Man: “Driving.”
Me: “That would be the quickest way.”
My Grandpa reached 110 yesterday.
That’s the last time I get in the car with him driving…
Amal and Juan are identical twins.
Their mom only carries one baby
photo in her wallet.Because if you’ve seen Juan you’ve
seen Amal.
Meatloaf is a good safe word.
It means I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that…
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
It turns out when someone asks who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to choose from your own. I know that now.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves…
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
I bought some coconut shampoo today.
I got halfway home before I thought, “I dont even have a coconut!”
If someone from ziplock could contact Literally anyone in the cereal Business that would be great…
I was at the library, when people began throwing Stephen King novels around.
I could not figure out why. Then IT hit me.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.