I bought some coconut shampoo today.
I got halfway home before I thought, “I dont even have a coconut!”
If someone from ziplock could contact Literally anyone in the cereal Business that would be great…
I was at the library, when people began throwing Stephen King novels around.
I could not figure out why. Then IT hit me.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.