Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.