just make the entire table out of coaster
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If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?