They should invent clothes that get fat with you
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.