Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
Okay
