Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
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“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
Well, shit
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.