Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
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Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
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My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song