my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
*updates tinder bio*
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away