@markydoodoo

*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn

@markydoodoo

wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?

@markydoodoo

[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]

me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day

@markydoodoo

my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die

@markydoodoo

Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off

@markydoodoo

me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us

ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?

me: oh no

2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant

3rd ghost: pleasant

4th ghost: pleasant

5th ghost: pleasant

@markydoodoo

my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away

@markydoodoo

i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside