me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.