A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”