[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?