Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.