Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.