This kid is being so annoying at the playdate, I called his mom, but she won’t come pick him up..
She says it’s ‘my husband, my problem’ ugh
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have neighbors who hand out vegetables for Halloween.
In my neighborhood, when things are left by the curb, they’re free to take.
Officer: “Ma’am please step out of the Amazon truck.”
FINDERS KEEPE *gets tased*
Reoccurring dreams be like
‘I dunno, here’s a rerun’
My teenager at school drop off: “DON’T say anything when I get out of the car”
*door opens*
BYE MY SWEETUMS! SHARE PENCILS, NOT GERMS!
If you innocently act like you don’t know, people will explain dirty words to you and it’s hilarious.
Levels of ceiling fan:
-Hurricane
-On .. ish
-How do I turn this off? maybe it’s on.. wait, is it almost off? no it’s still on
“Preventative care” means something totally different during parenthood. {moves glass of orange juice away from edge of table}
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.