Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone