My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”