Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.