It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous