Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
So many pants.
So little yoga.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.