Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.