I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”