I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”