“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”