My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
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Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.