*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
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who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Every damn time
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare