The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
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Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
mariah carrie
Meow
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”