It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking