My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.