I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
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One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
Happy thanksgiving!
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?