Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now