Me- Are you ready for school?
13- I don’t need school, I’m smarter than Shakespeare. Wait, was that a real guy?
Me- I’ll meet you in the car
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies