I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?