Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad