*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar