It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”