SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
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Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
I didn’t come here to be called names
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Good Morning.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂