I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.