@mattewe02

I’ve assigned genders to lollipops to make absolutely everyone uncomfortable

@mattewe02

[lotto drawing]

ben: man I never win shit

me: aww don’t say that. you won a sperm race once buddy

@mattewe02

[trial]

judge: I would cease blaming alcohol for your problems son

me: a dui is literally impossible without alcohol your honor

judge: and the indecent exposure?

me: well now see I don’t even remember that

@mattewe02

[wedding]

me: is $5,000 enough?

stacy: you moron it’s bride not bribe

@mattewe02

I love commercials that treat me like an absolute moron

“tired of going to the bathroom?”
“do you need more birds in your life?”
“who left this yoo-hoo here?”
“fed up with regular air?”
“this product costs money”

@mattewe02

me: this is bullshit you offered me over $400,000

boss: yeah I think we should go over what a 401k actually is

@mattewe02

ed scissorhands should’ve fell asleep on elm street, he would’ve straightened shit out

@mattewe02

parent cockroaches be like “don’t let me catch you in those nice neighborhoods”

@mattewe02

walking thru ikea thinking how friggin pricey vowels must be playing wheel of fortune in sweden