Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD