My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.