That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
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People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.