Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.