Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.