Think I pulled my liver
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My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
moms in horror movies
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
If you are reading this then you are reading this
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!