People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas