People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them