My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too