Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
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This meal prepping shit easy
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?