My cousin and her husband fell in love despite playing for rival marching bands, and yet she refuses to write a romance novel based on the experience
My aunt showed me a type of lily without leaves called the Naked Lady and I immediately googled “naked lady” expecting to get results about the plant
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.