Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date