Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.